Oh no, I think it’s happening again.

I think I’m starting to have feelings for a friend. Well he started off as a friend of a friend. But now we hangout on a regular basis. This is a really bad time to start gaining feelings for someone. Especially for someone within the same friend group as the guy I helped cheat on his girlfriend.

The other night when I was really drunk I was with the guy and he ended up taking me home. All night we were kissing and stuff. When he pulled in my driveway, I kinda jumped on him. I was on my period so I couldn’t actually do anything with him, not that I was actually going to or not. I kissed him goodbye and we haven’t talked about it. I hung out with him and a few other friends tonight and he just kept giving me weird looks. Then he even offered to drive me home which is something no one ever does lol. Here’s the problem: his younger brother (who is the same age as me) is one of my really good friends. We’ve been sexual as well, but absolutely no one knows about that. My guy best friend is also the guy I likes best friend. I think it’s complicated beyond belief and I’m just going to take it slow for now. Who knows if he even likes me, or if he’s just horny. I’m not sure I care either way. Actually I do, but I’ll pretend like I don’t.


The hypocrisy of my own sexual appetite

I wish I didn’t engage in such destructive behavior. I wish I didn’t promise sex to men to make them want me. I wish I didn’t have such a high body count. Okay, 8 isn’t that bad I guess… (when I’ve been having sex since I was 14.) Some of those boys were one night stands. I took a guys virginity. I helped a guy cheat on his long term girlfriend. I fell in and out of love for 2 years with the same man. I slept with a man to make him want a relationship with me. I had sex with someone I should have never even had sexual thoughts about. I had sex with a guy so he’d keep coming around. I had sex with a guy to make myself feel powerful. I had sex with one of my best friends.

I always tell my friends that it’s not a big deal and that I just had a healthy sexual appetite. I could actually live without sex, especially if it wasn’t with someone I really loved. To be honest, most of the sex I have is bad. I think I’m more experienced I guess. Most guys my age are not. I learned early on in life that guys between the ages of 14-70 have an all-consuming thought. Some could argue that ones purpose in life is driven by the desire to have sex, and in some cases, reproduce.

I usually give in to whatever offer is being thrown at me. I think I give off some vibe that says “If you’re feeling bad about yourself, you can always come to me.” I’m the rebound. I’m the last option. I’m the easy target and the simple catch. People automatically assume I don’t have deep intellectual feelings because I can engage in such frisky behavior. Honestly, there is only one man that I don’t regret, and it’s the man I fell in and out of love with. The other 7 have left me feeling broken and angry and sad. Most of the time I’m disgusted with myself afterwards.

Usually I’m the one to turn them away after sex. I give off mixed signals and I know that. I bait them to get them. Then I catch them, and toss them back. Once i have sex with someone, they assume that I’ll always want it, whenever I can get it. It’s awful having to carefully turn them down. It’s really (probably) nothing they did. I just don’t have any desire to be with them after that.

I am completely and utterly aware of the effect I cast. I give the impression that it’s just sex. They don’t have to worry about my thoughts and feelings and what keeps me up at night. I lure them in by promising sex, and then I’m disgusted and insulted when they keep trying to have sex with me after we already have (and probably only once.) I have this strange backwards mentality that since we’ve had sex, men shouldn’t be looking for just that one thing. It probably doesn’t make any sense. Basically, I’m turned completely off when I steer a guy away after sex, and then he only talks to me when he’s in the mood.

I’m a hypocrite. I use men for sex and then get upset and angry when they try to do the same thing.