Sleeping with an active mind

I can feel my anxiety level rising just as I’m trying to go to sleep. This happens every single night. I feel as if I’m forgetting important things I have to do. I got a new app on my phone. It’s just like a to do list that I can separate into different categories. It’s actually working out pretty well, except I forget to do everything that’s not on my list. Every time I cross something off my list, 4 more things get added on. My list gives me anxiety. Every time I unlock my phone, I see that stupid little icon with a red “12” in the corner of it. It’s a constant reminder of all the shit I don’t want to do. It’s infuriating actually. I shouldn’t have to do those things, but I do. I want help. I want to be taken care of like a child but treated as an adult. It doesn’t work both ways and I understand that. It’s just harder letting go of the last chance at a childhood I have.

When I go to sleep at night, my list runs through my head over and over and over again. My heart starts to beat twice as fast. I feel a pressure in my chest that seems to come from somewhere deep in my diaphragm. I want it to stop. I want to sleep before 6am. Once I’m asleep, I can usually stay asleep. I have extremely vivid and sometimes horrifying dreams that wake me up all through the night. When that happens, I’m usually not alert enough to examine what those dreams mean at the time. I’m not awake enough to start to feel my anxiety building.

I sleep until 4 in the afternoon. I could probably sleep longer if I wanted. I feel guilty because my roommate probably feels uncomfortable. She probably thinks I’m some lazy slob. I really hope not. I can’t deal with her opinion of me right now.

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m not even tired. It’s a damn shame.

Expect the worst, want the best

How could I find the world so beautiful, yet be filled with such hatred?
Some days I think I’m bipolar. Sometimes I’ll go to get my favorite cup of coffee on a beautiful day, and I’ll sit outside for awhile and think about how the little things can make life so beautiful. Then there’s the days where it comes all crashing down on me, and even my 6 cups of my favorite coffee won’t do any good.
I anticipate the bad days and pray for the good ones.