I hit a new low tonight

It’s New Year’s Eve. It’s supposed to be one of the best nights of the year. That’s the perceived notion anyways. Every year it leads up to basically nothing. I don’t think I’ve ever had a good New Years. The only time I came close was 2 years ago when I was with my long term boyfriend. We couldn’t find any last minute plans because our original party was cancelled. So instead of getting all dressed up or getting drunk with our friends we stayed in and watched movies with his parents all night in our pajamas. We drank orange juice and vodka and ate a cheese spread. After the ball dropped, his parents went to bed and we thought it would be a fun idea to smoke weed in his garage. We got super high, made a bunch of food, went upstairs and had a bunch of yummy sex. I woke up the happiest person alive.

I’ve gone to a lot of NYE parties and such. But that moment of complete happiest is definitely one of my favorites. I miss him terribly. I wonder how he’s celebrating with his new, prettier, and skinnier girlfriend.

Fast forward two years and I’m sitting home in my room alone, with my grandparents loudly watching their tv programs. I’m sitting in my pjs, alright. I don’t know, I think it’s kind of sad how I don’t feel an urge to go out. But even if I did, I don’t have many options. It’s not like my friends need me to be wherever they are. I’m not that important to them.

I told my bestfriend last night that I genuinely think I’m bipolar. Things wouldn’t be so bad if my lowest lows weren’t always followed by my highest highs, and vice versa. I think tonight I’m definitely hitting a slump. It’s just another reminder that I don’t really have anyone here to make me happy. I hate being alone on days where it’s not socially acceptable to be alone. I think that makes it all much worse. This probably sounds stupid and whiny.

But I’m 18 years old. I shouldn’t be sitting in my pjs watching stupid movies while everyone’s out partying and celebrating this “fabulous” new year. You know what else? It’s scary to think about how many people commit suicide tonight because they just can’t take another year. I don’t know why I thought of that today, but it makes me really sad.

Expect the worst, want the best

How could I find the world so beautiful, yet be filled with such hatred?
Some days I think I’m bipolar. Sometimes I’ll go to get my favorite cup of coffee on a beautiful day, and I’ll sit outside for awhile and think about how the little things can make life so beautiful. Then there’s the days where it comes all crashing down on me, and even my 6 cups of my favorite coffee won’t do any good.
I anticipate the bad days and pray for the good ones.