Depressions kicking my ass

As a hurting individual like myself, I feel as if one of the most important things during the healing process is for the pain to be acknowledged; not by the person hurting themselves, but by the people around them.

I just want someone to understand how hard this is. I want someone to agree that yes, this indeed fucking sucks. I feel like I’m constantly being dismissed by the people around me. It’s hard to compare pain. Pain is not relative. My mother is making an active choice not to be a part of my life. Your mother is an alcoholic. Who is qualified to determine who gets to hurt more?

When I explain how awful it is not to have my mother, I always get the same response. “Why would you want someone like that in your life anyways?” That’s not the point. Just because she’s a horrible person doesn’t dismiss my natural instinct to want a mother. As shitty as she is, sometimes I think it would be easier if I never moved out and was stuck in that little room in that little town. That was routine. It was what I knew. I knew my mother for what she was and she was never going to change. But at least she had some kind of bearing on my life. Now it’s easier to tell people she’s dead rather than explain that my mother hates me so much, she once tried to kill me. At least I get sympathy that way, and not horrified, confused looks.

I don’t understand how depression works. I don’t think I ever will. It’s like getting in your car with the intent of getting away and realizing there’s no air in any of the tires. It’s being physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted but not being able to go to sleep. I’m trying to tell my brain what I need to do but it’s not listening to me. It’s scary how my body reacts in a way I can’t control, no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes I stay awake at night going over all the things I want to tell my therapist. When I actually get to my appointment, I never have enough courage to say exactly what I want, in the exact tone I want. I always try to sugarcoat it. But I want him to know how badly in suffering right now, and it’s hard to do that when I’m always downplaying everything in my life.

If you can’t spill your guts to a complete stranger, who can you?

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I reserve the right to hate my life.

So much has happened in the past week and a half that I don’t know how to process. I need to go one at a time.

First things first, I hate my college. I hate the people and the atmosphere and how large it is. The only person I generally like is my roommate, and we already knew each other from high school. I literally don’t know anyone else, and it gets really lonely when I have so much going on. So I’ve decided that I want to transfer next year. I complain to all of my friends back home how awful it is. They all know what I’m going through right now and can understand that being mostly isolated is just adding to the mess. But most of my friends don’t really understand just how awful my depression is right now. Every time I talk about what’s happening I get tears in my eyes. Every time I mention how little sleep I get or that I can’t concentrate I’m trying to fight back the tears. I’m not one to cry to my friends about this stuff. I make jokes about how awful my life is and move on. That’s usually how I deal with things. People don’t want to talk about sad stuff. Most people don’t casually ask how you’re doing or “how are things with this?” It’s my way of bringing it up without making the topic of discussion too heavy. This time it’s just totally different. I can hardly hold myself together and it’s extremely embarrassing.

My best friend of 11 years finally noticed how hard this is. Let’s call her Anna. She knows me as this strong, independent, funny person that never takes life too seriously. The other night I told her that my grandparents are okay with me transferring and somehow we meandered onto that topic of discussion. I say that I wish my home felt like home. She immediately started attacking me saying that since my grandparents are doing so much for me I should be thankful that I have a bed. But that’s not the point. She called me weak. She has never said that to me before. Anna told me that she’s never seen me like this. I was crying so hard by this point, I couldn’t talk. I tried to explain to her that it’s because things have gotten so bad, I can’t keep up my normal charade.

To sum up my life, I always just say “My life fucking sucks.” I think that pretty much does it. Anna tried to tell me that I should just be thankful to have the help I’ve been receiving. Just because I’m thankful for getting help doesn’t mean I can’t be sad and disappointed still. I’m extremely grateful for everything I have. But that doesn’t mean I can’t want more. I want parents who love me unconditionally. I want a house that I can come back to anytime. I want a family to support my every move. I want a normal life. What I have now doesn’t cancel out all of my wants. I have earned the right to say my life sucks. I have earned the right to wallow in my own self pity. I have earned the right to be sad. I know that someday it’ll get better. But not right now. It’s all way too fresh to even begin to think about coping. Right now I’m just trying to survive.

I guess you could say that I’m just upset because the one person I thought who understood wasn’t on my side anymore. She’s pushing me way too soon. I want someone so stand behind me and say “yeah that really fucking sucks.” Sometimes that just helps. I don’t want advice on how to be happy. I don’t want suggestions to make my life better. I have done more than my fair share of trying to stay positive and change my life for the better. I GET to be sad. I GET to be depressed. I reserve the right to fucking hate my life before I try to stick a smile on my face. It’s my turn to be selfish and I’m taking it. I’m tired of telling everyone things are fine when they’re not.

Random late night espresso

Who made the general analysis that “happy” was supposed to be our one main feeling? Why are all other feelings supposed to be fleeting? Everyone expects anger to pass. Anxiety is just a phase. Sadness is just a bump in the road.
This post probably sounds really dumb, because who wouldn’t want to be happy most of the time? Being happy is a good feeling!

I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s late.