I hit a new low tonight

It’s New Year’s Eve. It’s supposed to be one of the best nights of the year. That’s the perceived notion anyways. Every year it leads up to basically nothing. I don’t think I’ve ever had a good New Years. The only time I came close was 2 years ago when I was with my long term boyfriend. We couldn’t find any last minute plans because our original party was cancelled. So instead of getting all dressed up or getting drunk with our friends we stayed in and watched movies with his parents all night in our pajamas. We drank orange juice and vodka and ate a cheese spread. After the ball dropped, his parents went to bed and we thought it would be a fun idea to smoke weed in his garage. We got super high, made a bunch of food, went upstairs and had a bunch of yummy sex. I woke up the happiest person alive.

I’ve gone to a lot of NYE parties and such. But that moment of complete happiest is definitely one of my favorites. I miss him terribly. I wonder how he’s celebrating with his new, prettier, and skinnier girlfriend.

Fast forward two years and I’m sitting home in my room alone, with my grandparents loudly watching their tv programs. I’m sitting in my pjs, alright. I don’t know, I think it’s kind of sad how I don’t feel an urge to go out. But even if I did, I don’t have many options. It’s not like my friends need me to be wherever they are. I’m not that important to them.

I told my bestfriend last night that I genuinely think I’m bipolar. Things wouldn’t be so bad if my lowest lows weren’t always followed by my highest highs, and vice versa. I think tonight I’m definitely hitting a slump. It’s just another reminder that I don’t really have anyone here to make me happy. I hate being alone on days where it’s not socially acceptable to be alone. I think that makes it all much worse. This probably sounds stupid and whiny.

But I’m 18 years old. I shouldn’t be sitting in my pjs watching stupid movies while everyone’s out partying and celebrating this “fabulous” new year. You know what else? It’s scary to think about how many people commit suicide tonight because they just can’t take another year. I don’t know why I thought of that today, but it makes me really sad.

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Relationships=Complication

Oh no, I think it’s happening again.

I think I’m starting to have feelings for a friend. Well he started off as a friend of a friend. But now we hangout on a regular basis. This is a really bad time to start gaining feelings for someone. Especially for someone within the same friend group as the guy I helped cheat on his girlfriend.

The other night when I was really drunk I was with the guy and he ended up taking me home. All night we were kissing and stuff. When he pulled in my driveway, I kinda jumped on him. I was on my period so I couldn’t actually do anything with him, not that I was actually going to or not. I kissed him goodbye and we haven’t talked about it. I hung out with him and a few other friends tonight and he just kept giving me weird looks. Then he even offered to drive me home which is something no one ever does lol. Here’s the problem: his younger brother (who is the same age as me) is one of my really good friends. We’ve been sexual as well, but absolutely no one knows about that. My guy best friend is also the guy I likes best friend. I think it’s complicated beyond belief and I’m just going to take it slow for now. Who knows if he even likes me, or if he’s just horny. I’m not sure I care either way. Actually I do, but I’ll pretend like I don’t.

Why drinking is bad

I had sex with a friend of mine while I was extremely drunk. He had a girlfriend. I knew this at the time, and the only thing I said to him about her was “what about your girlfriend?” All he said was “doesn’t matter.” This happened 4 months ago. I’ve kept it a secret for 4 months. It’s my best friends whole group of friends. I never even told my best friend. Last night I was at a party with all of his friends, and I got really drunk and let it slip that I had sex with the guy while he was dating the girl. Before I knew it, everyone knew. Besides the girl. I agreed that I would tell her as soon as I could. I texted her this long paragraph explaining everything. All of our friends told me she went ballistic. She threw a chair. She was so upset she was balling her eyes out and couldn’t even talk. Everyone says it isn’t my fault because I was so drunk, but I feel really responsible. I feel so awful about it that it makes me sick. I know people are going to hate me. I know I won’t be able to come around them anymore. I need to lay low for awhile. There goes my whole break.

Drinking makes me feel bold. I use it as an excuse to do and say things I normally never would. I wish I didn’t have so many secrets to share. It’s all just building up in my system, waiting for me to explode. In one day my whole life was turned upside down again.

I was the other girl. I was the one who helped a guy cheat. I kept it a secret. I acted like it never even happened.

I am a whirlwind of emotions. I feel so out of control.

It was definitely a bad day.

I don’t know how I ended up here. Last night I didn’t go to bed until after 6am. I had a final exam to take at 10:30 and it was not pretty. I woke up with a horrible migraine, but still managed to go. I don’t even remember taking the exam. It was one of those migraines where you feel so nauseous, but getting up to go to the toilet is an even worse plan. So instead of taking medication on a completely empty stomach, I tried to go back to sleep. I woke up every half hour and still felt as bad. I felt really awful because I had all these plans to do that absolutely needed to be done but I couldn’t get out of bed. Finally after hours and hours of laying in bed suffering, I asked my roommate for an ice pack for my head. About an hour later I was feeling fine, but that was around 6:30pm. My whole day was practically wasted. All I did was go to the dining hall to eat and do some laundry. I didn’t have enough energy to do anything else. It makes me feel 10 times more anxious when I don’t do anything I was supposed to do. I also knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight. Which is completely true.

On a side note, I’ve been listening to classical music to go to bed. I think it’s something about the instrumentals that calm me. There are no words I have to pay attention to. Just soothing background music that distracts me long enough to get tired. I’m not sure how long it will last, but it’s just another thing on my list to scratch off for my therapist. He needs to believe I really am trying.

I have to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow. That’s going to be extremely hard for me. I have to pack all the stuff I was supposed to do this week into tomorrow. That gets my anxiety level up to about a 10 out of 10.

I don’t know, it’s just been a really bad week for me.

Being self aware

I can’t sleep. So here’s a whole list of things I think I am/have.

Commitment issues, abandonment issues, extremist, selfless, full of huge ideas that never go anywhere, humanistic, lazy, lack of will power, damaged, mentally unstable, manipulative, good liar, concerned with getting people to like me, naive, annoyingly positive, persistent, abrasive, blunt, opinionated, annoying accent, resilient, sexually unstable, confused.

It’s not a particularly good post, but I need to go to sleep.

Sleeping with an active mind

I can feel my anxiety level rising just as I’m trying to go to sleep. This happens every single night. I feel as if I’m forgetting important things I have to do. I got a new app on my phone. It’s just like a to do list that I can separate into different categories. It’s actually working out pretty well, except I forget to do everything that’s not on my list. Every time I cross something off my list, 4 more things get added on. My list gives me anxiety. Every time I unlock my phone, I see that stupid little icon with a red “12” in the corner of it. It’s a constant reminder of all the shit I don’t want to do. It’s infuriating actually. I shouldn’t have to do those things, but I do. I want help. I want to be taken care of like a child but treated as an adult. It doesn’t work both ways and I understand that. It’s just harder letting go of the last chance at a childhood I have.

When I go to sleep at night, my list runs through my head over and over and over again. My heart starts to beat twice as fast. I feel a pressure in my chest that seems to come from somewhere deep in my diaphragm. I want it to stop. I want to sleep before 6am. Once I’m asleep, I can usually stay asleep. I have extremely vivid and sometimes horrifying dreams that wake me up all through the night. When that happens, I’m usually not alert enough to examine what those dreams mean at the time. I’m not awake enough to start to feel my anxiety building.

I sleep until 4 in the afternoon. I could probably sleep longer if I wanted. I feel guilty because my roommate probably feels uncomfortable. She probably thinks I’m some lazy slob. I really hope not. I can’t deal with her opinion of me right now.

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m not even tired. It’s a damn shame.

Depressions kicking my ass

As a hurting individual like myself, I feel as if one of the most important things during the healing process is for the pain to be acknowledged; not by the person hurting themselves, but by the people around them.

I just want someone to understand how hard this is. I want someone to agree that yes, this indeed fucking sucks. I feel like I’m constantly being dismissed by the people around me. It’s hard to compare pain. Pain is not relative. My mother is making an active choice not to be a part of my life. Your mother is an alcoholic. Who is qualified to determine who gets to hurt more?

When I explain how awful it is not to have my mother, I always get the same response. “Why would you want someone like that in your life anyways?” That’s not the point. Just because she’s a horrible person doesn’t dismiss my natural instinct to want a mother. As shitty as she is, sometimes I think it would be easier if I never moved out and was stuck in that little room in that little town. That was routine. It was what I knew. I knew my mother for what she was and she was never going to change. But at least she had some kind of bearing on my life. Now it’s easier to tell people she’s dead rather than explain that my mother hates me so much, she once tried to kill me. At least I get sympathy that way, and not horrified, confused looks.

I don’t understand how depression works. I don’t think I ever will. It’s like getting in your car with the intent of getting away and realizing there’s no air in any of the tires. It’s being physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted but not being able to go to sleep. I’m trying to tell my brain what I need to do but it’s not listening to me. It’s scary how my body reacts in a way I can’t control, no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes I stay awake at night going over all the things I want to tell my therapist. When I actually get to my appointment, I never have enough courage to say exactly what I want, in the exact tone I want. I always try to sugarcoat it. But I want him to know how badly in suffering right now, and it’s hard to do that when I’m always downplaying everything in my life.

If you can’t spill your guts to a complete stranger, who can you?